The Results of Unsatisfactory Results  

      Today I heard a very funny news report.  It wasn't intended to be funny I think, but I have an affliction wherein I think things through, and I have a very warped mind.  The result of that is I find things funny that most people wouldn't.  In fact most people would never even consider joking about some of the things that I find as funny.  The picture below illustrates this point well. 

      The story I laughed at today was about Frosted Mini Wheats.  They have become the target of a class action lawsuit.  "So how is that funny?", you might ask. 

      They are being sued for false advertising.  Yes.  Over the last several years they have had commercials where they say something like, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Frosted Mini Wheats have all the vitamins and minerals your child needs.  They will give your child energy that will last through the morning.  A good breakfast with Frosted mini Wheats will help your child to pay attention and help your child's memory."  

      They are not being sued for the first statement, for that statement is true.  Breakfast IS the most important meal of the day.  Many well paid off scientists have said so.  They are not being sued for the second statement either, for that is also true.  They do contain all that FDA daily requirement stuff.  Even the third statement is true.  Whole wheat (especially with all the bran) is a complex carbohydrate, and takes longer to break down in the digestive system.  The result of that is it provides energy over a longer period of time.  Even the last statement is bathed in truth.  A good breakfast will help keep a person's mind operating at its optimum.  The problem is that "its" in this context is a relative term.  

      The brain will operate at "its" optimum, meaning its own optimum.  Each brain is different, and each brain has its own level that would be called optimum.  The brain of a garden slug for instance, while operating at its optimum would make that slug eat slimy things and make much slime of its own.  Sheldon Cooper's brain, just like the brains of some real life geeks who are just like him operating at optimum would think up some really cool physics formulas for string theory, or something, and severely annoy everyone within his spheres of contact. 
      They are being sued for the claim that Frosted Mini Wheats will help your child's memory and attention span.  The chief lawyer for the prosecution in this case was being interviewed, and he was asked how this case originated.  

      He said there were a few parents who were unsatisfied with the results (now that's the part that's real funny).  When I heard that while driving along I burst out in laughter.  I visualized  a family (possibly from a trailer court) saying (and with a Forest Gump accent), "Our kids are idiots and they forget stuff all the time.  We fed them Frosted Mini Wheats for two years, and they're still morons.  I want my money back." 
      And that's all the plaintiffs in the case will get - enough money to pay for a few boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats.  The judge presiding over the case should have thrown it right out of court.  He should have looked the parents right in the eye and said, "Frosted Mini Wheats won't help your kids.  Nothing will.  Your children's problem is genetic." 
      The principle is simple enough.  If you plant corn seed, you're going to get corn for your harvest.  If you plant wheat, you're going to get wheat.  And what you get from the seed from a couple of idiot morons is more idiot morons.  Dum Basses.  'Nuff said.  

      And one more thing; the results of the court case.  Kellogs not only lost the case, but they were ordered to reword their commercials.  They can still say that breakfast is important, but they could no longer say that Frosted Mini Wheats will improve anything.  They can only say that eating Frosted Mini Wheats is better than eating nothing at all.  Seriously.