Plutonium Rediscovered

      No, they didn't rediscover the radioactive element Plutonium, the one that is a primary ingredient in nuclear weapons.  This is the same element that Kim Jong Un wants to get his grubby little hands on in as much quantity as possible so he can punish Americans for the existence of Dennis Rodman.  That's not the Plutonium that has been rediscovered. 
      Archeologists announced this week that they have discovered the Plutonium of Greek mythological legend.  No this was NOT an April Fools edition.  Plutonium was the name of the gate to Hades, or Hell.  It was guarded by Cerberus, the three headed mad dog.  Cerberus' origins most probably go back to an ancient Greek ancestor of Monsanto, but I think that's another story.  Knowing now the original meaning for Plutonium, naming one of the most dangerous elements on the periodic table after it makes total sense.  Plutonium, the gate to Hell. 

      That was the headline of the news article I read, "Archeologists Discover the Gates of Hell."  The archeologists found Plutonium in a dig in the Ancient city of Heirapolis.  They found a cave going deep into the earth beneath the ruins of a temple to Pluto, the Greek Deity of the underworld.  There were also ruins there of an pool that was probably supposed to represent the River Styx.  I wonder if they had a guy there dressed in a robe and a skeleton suit too.  

      The cave emits poisonous gasses that kills all the birds and other animals that try to go in there.  The archeologists believe that this is the reason the ancient Greeks thought they had found the "land of the dead" and built a temple over it.  They found the bones and other remnants of animals that tried in vain to enter the cave, but they didn't find the bones or anything of Cerberus.  Maybe he was down deeper in the cave in the bowels of the earth creating the poisonous gasses.  A diet of wayward souls is hell on the digestive system.  This gives new meaning to the term "bowels of the earth." 
      This discovery is great for a number of reasons.  Now we know where the gates of hell are.  It's not in Washington DC underneath the White House, nor is it in the UN headquarters.  When somebody at your place of work says, "this place is hell."  you can confidently tell them, "No, it's in Heirapolis."  And if you want to tell somebody to go there, show them a picture of it from Google Earth, and give them directions with Map Quest. 

      You can read the related story if you want to.  Some things are too weird for even me to make up.